We form our self-concepts about ourselves before we are of age six. That means, before age six we have more or less decided the course of ninety percent of our future life. So what happens when a child is left uncared and unwanted through his childhood years? When his self-concept is not even given a chance to know what love and self-esteem means, let alone to embrace and internalize it? We are left with a vicious cycle of abuse which finds its purpose only in permeating itself.
I still have a vivid image of a young boy (who was about eleven, but looked six) I watched playing in one of the community centers a few months back. He was bubbly, active, talkative and normal, by the standards of normal, in that setting. But as he kept running and playing, every few minutes he would suddenly stop for a couple of seconds, do a fake stagger while rolling his eyes and dragging his feet. And just like that he would drop that stance and start playing again. In the beginning I thought he was unwell, only to realize much later, while I was pondering over it at home, that he must have been unconsciously imitating his drunken father. And it sent a shudder through me to realize what would happen when he would be old enough to realize that he doesn’t need to fake it anymore. In all probability, another drunken wife-beater? Will the cycle ever break?
Education is of course the key to the door to the way out. It is no doubt the fundamental right of every child. But so are life-skills. Life-skills that teach you to respect others, and more importantly, to respect yourself. When children are not given the right nutrition, or the right psychological enablers for growth, they fail to thrive (which explains why the boy looked much younger than he was). So what can we expect of children who grow up without ever seeing a positive role-model or never having anyone telling them that they are capable of having positive ambitions and achieving them? A man who abuses his family is a culprit, but how much better if instead of fighting a losing battle to reform him, we are able to take that same man as a child and give him some respect and love, in turn teaching him to respect others and give love to others?
At the level of the State, we all understand that it is about creating an environment that allows people to find dignified and fulfilling employment than giving away money to the poor. At the level of an individual, it is about creating a childhood for him that makes him want to be better than his circumstances. Admonishing a man for abusing his family and not caring for his children, is just like giving money to the poor without a source of employment. They both provide temporary relief, but don’t treat the cause.
So let’s attack the root-cause and love and nurture these children, to in turn teach them to love themselves and others. Let’s break the vicious cycle of abuse. And hopefully, with a little providence, also of poverty.
- Suchetha Bhat, Udaan Volunteer and Mentor.
